no luv city.

pardon the way that i stare.

could have driven down santa monica all night til sunrise
i can’t say i never saw it coming
you can bet i won’t be singing you that song anymore.
this old piano has a crooked tooth
and it’s out of tune.

an old coat of paint on this lonesome old town.

my list of the saddest songs i can think of. each of these songs meant a great deal to me at one time or another, for a variety of reasons, at some point over the past seven years. and no matter how many times i’ve listened to them i can still pinpoint the moment when i had the realization that i’d never be able to escape just how shitty they make me feel. in a horrible twist of fate, this list may just as well be called “my favorite songs of all time.”

mineral - unfinished
jets to brazil - cat heaven
beck - lonesome tears
the alkaline trio - you’ve got so far to go
maritime - calm
the promise ring - forget me
braid - i keep a diary
built to spill - fling
franki valli and the four seasons - can’t take my eyes off of you
otis redding - pain in my heart
explosions in the sky - with tired eyes, tired minds, tired souls, we slept
jon brion - trouble
elliott smith - LA
joni mitchel - a case of you
tom waits - the heart of saturday night
billie holiday - always

and there will be more.

The subscriber you have dialed is not in service.

just got

that incredible sinking feeling in my stomach,
like i was angry at myself for forgetting my sadness.

ribbit.

just drive your car.
just drive her car.
i’ll be out with my friends
and i’ll forget about how you like to watch your phone ring.
sleep in her bed
i’ll be out, and forget

i’ve never had a headache.

americana, pt. II   (circa february 2009)

so the best American nights in town now are the cold ones,
the ones where children turn into cats and the pretty cats walk right up to me and purrrrr, but all i want is to walk home, breathing out hot air,

clouds pass by i never notice.
everyone knows they’ll be away soon anyway.

i end up in the alley behind my house and wonder if i can get one drink in before the sun rises. i look up to see that my house is gone and the train above me is forever and ever never stopping.

that’s when i knew. i’m never going back to that again. when my fingers look like ten tiny corpses that means it’s time to clasp them together for nine long lonely nights hoping that this time i’ll get it right.

the night was still young  (circa july 25th 2009, written a couple days after the events described)
mike called me around 11am and asked if i wanted to go to the pierogi fest in whiting. i was still sleeping and totally hungover from going out to some bar(s) the night before. regardless, it was beautiful outside and i had to jump at the chance to get out of the city, even if it was just a few hours. he drove from his place in bridgeport to pick me up in pilsen. inside the car was mike, his girlfriend katherine, and pat and faun. pat and faun were visiting from urbana. faun just moved there from new york city to be with pat. upon learning she was from new york, i immediately began bashing ny style pizza. she defended it zealously which i admired. when we got to the fest we wandered around for awhile, just sort of people-watching. we got some pierogis and beer. when we realized the pina colada vendors didn’t actually put any liquor in their drinks, we went to the liquor store and bought a pint of malibu to mix in. katherine put too much malibu in my pina colada. i couldn’t finish it. i disappeared for about a half hour by myself and just wandered around. nothing happened. when i finally found everyone again, they told me they’d seen a gorgeous girl who was perfect for me. after scouring the grounds of the fest for dream girl for about an hour, we gave up.

let’s leave.

on the drive back, as we were passing the horseshoe casino, i looked up into the sky. i saw a hawk. it was carrying something pretty huge in its talons. “holy shit, that hawk is flying around with an enormous fish in its claws!” everyone looked up. gasp. amazement. etc. it was awkwardly swooping around in an attempt to maintain flight while this stupid fish was flailing around, as if it wouldn’t die a gross death upon impact (and possibly take out a human or two in the process).

mike mentioned that he and katherine recently bought a kiddie pool. “we’re totally filling it up.” party at mike’s.

stopped at the grocery store. beers, booze, brats, buns. we started calling more friends. we dropped off pat, faun, and katherine and mike and i took off on his tandem bike and rode to pilsen so i could pick up my bicycle. got ‘em. back to bridgeport. 

pool filled, mixers made, brats on the grill. stripped down to underpants, and hopped in the freezing cold kiddie pool. mike’s backyard is pretty tiny; basically just a concrete slab with a small garden with a little wooden house thingy that a stray cat makes his home. the water in the pool only came up to our ankles, so we all sat. shivering. fun.

i bitched about ny some more. faun got mad. hopefully in a fun way. ryan came over. i felt bad because just a week or so before this, i got his ex’s number at a party. he didn’t know. i didn’t say. eventually the beer supply was tapped. the only alternative was the vodka mixer. i hate vodka. all the worst drinking stories of my life involve vodka in some way, so i try to stay away from it. but, hey, it’s a party. brian rode up, and without even saying anything he stripped naked, threw on some trunks, and frog splashed into the pool. i got a little hazy after that. faun, ryan, and i were the last ones left in the yard. i learned the next day that everyone else went upstairs and puked everywhere and passed out. not me. the night was still young. instead, i totally tripped over a rock into a thorny bush. little nicks bleeding all over my body. i looked like one of those old cartoons where the mobster gets shot up with a tommy gun and has holes all over him. aaron texted me. “wanna come over?”

i rode my bike to the cvs on 31st, picked up beer, and headed to aaron’s. when aaron opened his door for me, i happened to be leaning against it, so i did a face plant into his living room. grand entrance. i bounced back up unscathed and busted out the beer. aaron informed me that he had a vegan pizza in the oven. his girlfriend alison was in the other room doing work, grading papers, whatever. i went in there to say hello to her. it was obvious to her that i was drunk, and it was obvious to me that it was obvious to her, so i threatened to puke on the new carpet. she didn’t think that was funny (i did). aaron and i bullshitted about horror movies, music, friends, etc when i noticed there was a pretty gross looking dried-up bloodstain on my sock, from the thorny bush. aaron noticed to and threatened to kill me if i bloodied up the carpet. again with the fucking carpet. being a responsible adult is all about keeping your carpet clean, apparently. pizza time.

“if you drop any of this pizza on the floor, i will literally kill you” were the last words out of aaron’s mouth just a moment before, as i was nodding in acknowledgment, i dropped the fuck out of every bit of that pizza. splat. as he was spraying the floor with resolve, he was muttering death threats under his breath, so alison wouldn’t hear and come out to discover that i messed up bad. i think he was making some pretty harsh and detailed explanations as to how exactly i was going to die, but i couldn’t hear him under my own muffled giggles.

los angeles (circa june 2009)

when you showed me that place downtown,
ah god,
how i just wanted to be alone with you
your stomach, your waistline,
whatever,
i can do no good.
i never noticed the smell of the clean sheets
only you. til tap.
that attic, it definitely has a ghost
NO ONE LIVED IN THE PAST SO GO AWAY
i think the last thing we said to each other was something about the sky.

END

that last one bums me out. goodnight

testing. testing.

first official tumblr post. not used to using this thing yet. inspired by intoitoverit.